Beating the Holiday "Gimmes": Seven Tips for De-Programming Spoiled Kids...and Having a Joyful SeasonThe season of giving should not mean the season of spoiling. Author and kids expert Virginia Bentz, Ph.D., explains how to create great childhood memories (and not insatiable little consumers) this Christmas or Hanukkah.
Hollywood, FL (December 2007)—Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could give our children everything they desire and still end up with angelic sons and daughters? Sure it would. But as any experienced parent will tell you, the degree to which you shower your little darlings with gifts is inversely proportional to the likelihood of their turning out to be kind, grateful, and giving. That's why this time of year—replete with dazzlingly decorated malls, a frenzy of toy ads, and constant promises of Santa's bounty—can be especially challenging for those of us who strive to raise kids who aren't spoiled rotten.
"As parents, we want the best for our children, and that is especially true at the holidays," says Virginia Bentz, Ph.D., parenting expert and author of the new book Quick Guide to Good Kids (Frederick Fell Publishers, Inc., 2007, ISBN-13: 978-0-88391-153-2, ISBN-10: 0-88391-153-1, $11.95). "Not only does it make us happy to see our kids joyful and excited during Christmas or Hanukkah, working to create the perfect holiday for them is often a way to re-experience the innocence of our own childhoods.
"Yet, if you think about it, your best childhood memories probably center on the time spent with your family, not on how much 'stuff' you got," she continues. "The same can be true for your kids. You can give them a wonderful holiday experience without spoiling them. Even if your kids might already be edging toward Veruca Salt territory, you can start turning things around right now."
Here are a few tips for creating a memorable holiday season while simultaneously "de-programming" spoiled kids:Realize that less is almost always best. Bentz is not suggesting that you curtail all holiday gift giving. Far from it. She simply urges you to carefully select a few special gifts for each child—gifts that reflect his or her individual personality and preferences—rather than grabbing up a shopping cart full of impulsively purchased toys. Set a spending limit and stick to it. Showering kids with too much stuff breeds materialism and generally keeps them from truly appreciating any of it.
"A plethora of presents is overwhelming to anyone," says Bentz. "When the pile is halfway to the top of the tree, there's no way kids can focus on everything. Their eyes glaze over. And of course, it sends the message that quantity is more important than quality in gift giving."
Clean house—literally—before the holidays. Most parents will agree their homes are over-cluttered with material things that are unused and often unwanted as well. Set a goal with your children to do a major holiday cleanup, in which you de-junk your house. Donate anything that someone else could use to a charity group (old Nintendos, that dusty laptop no one uses, bikes your kids have outgrown) and trash old unusable items like broken toys, scratched DVDs, and furniture the pets ruined.
"The idea is to set the stage for a simple holiday by letting your kids see the benefits of a calm, clutter-free environment," says Bentz. "Point out that now that the living room looks so nice it might be fun to invite your kids' friends over to play a board game or watch a movie. You're showing them, by example, that doing things is more fun than getting things."
Focus on experiences rather than stuff. The holidays should be about spending time together as a family rather than creating wish lists and gloating over gifts. Plan plenty of memorable, inexpensive events for your kids to look back on later. For instance, bake cookies together to give as gifts, make popcorn strings for the Christmas tree, or celebrate the first snowfall with a spirited (yet gentle!) family snowball fight. After all, time with you is what your kids really want.
"You might even make one of your children's gifts an outing to The Nutcracker or an evening with friends at the local ice-skating rink," suggests Bentz. "The idea is to teach kids that good times are a blessing and that those joyous moments should never be linked to a material possession. Trendy toys, new cars, and expensive clothes create only a fleeting surge of happiness, but family bonding experiences and activities that bring joy are literally priceless."
Watch special holiday shows as a family. Otherwise, limit TV time. Remember how you looked forward to the annual network broadcasts of How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer ? Your children will find these holiday gems just as delightful. Make them a family event, complete with hot cocoa and cookies. (Surely they can eat in the living room just this once!) But the rest of the time, keep the TV off, advises Bentz...especially during the holiday ad blitz.
"For toddlers, PBS shows like Sesame Street and Mister Rogers are enough," she says. "Avoid channels with commercials, as kids are super vulnerable to them. You'll reduce the mass quantities of items they see and beg for this time of year, when seasonal marketing campaigns kick into high gear.
"Other good substitutes for commercial-laden TV are watching and dancing to the pizzazzy music of Hannah Montana or High School Musical ," adds Bentz. "These are fun, yet they require paying attention to the people around them, figuring out answers, and even coming up with crazy creative movements. A High School Musical DVD or CD is a great holiday gift idea as well if you have a budding diva in the family!"
Shop in solitude, especially if you have small children. Obviously, you're not going to take your small child Santa shopping, but Bentz suggests you leave him at home with a spouse (or babysitter) for all your holiday shopping. This removes him from temptation. This is especially true of shopping at the mall or anywhere clothes, toys, and electronics are sold, but it also applies to trips to the grocery store. Young children especially are tempted by brightly colored cereal boxes and holiday-themed candy wrappers and soft drink bottles. In this case, what they don't know definitely won't hurt them!
"Okay, this one is more for the benefit of the parent than for the child," says Bentz. "Yes, it gets them away from the mad consumerism influence, but it also gives you a much-needed break in the midst of the holiday stressfest!"
Let kids experience the joys of giving. Selfless acts are the perfect antidote to, well, selfish ones. Have your children go through their closets and toy chests to pick out items that can be donated to charity, especially around the holidays, which coincide with the coldest time of year. Select coats, jeans, and sweaters to give away to the less fortunate. You can also participate in holiday gift drives where your child picks out a gift he or she loves to give to a needy child. (You can, of course, "guide" her toward something appropriate.)
"It is important for children to know that others are less fortunate than they are," notes Bentz. "Many times children act the way they do because they have no perspective about other children who don't have anything at all. If you live in an affluent or even middle class area, how could they know any differently? You can and should be upfront with them about poverty and world hunger and teach them to give to others."
Be up front with older kids about money. When your child is a little older, you can use the voice of reason to deprogram spoiled tendencies that he or she exhibits, especially around the holidays. Around nine or ten years old, your kids are able to begin to understand the financial limitations parents operate under. By then, chances are they no longer believe the toys are really from a jolly man in a red suit. Be honest with them. While it isn't necessary to share every detail of your finances with your children, there is nothing wrong with having a real discussion about life being expensive.
"Your kids probably have no idea that you're paying $100 a week for food, $150 a month for cell phones, and $1,000 a month for the mortgage," points out Bentz. "Just the idea of these three ongoing expenses will impress them greatly and help them understand something about good financial management. That something is We need to pay for food and shelter first! Understanding this reality puts holiday giving in a whole new light for them."
Of course, you'll need to continue pushing your new mindset all year long, but the holidays are a good time to start. And if you don't start fighting materialism and consumerism during the season when both seem to be at an all-time high, your kids may never get the message.
"We live in a culture that shouts Buy! Buy! Buy! " concludes Bentz. "Children are especially vulnerable to that message, and peer pressure makes it worse. As a parent, you have to step in with a strong and reasonable voice to explain why they're not getting a Nintendo Wii this year. The holidays don't need to be a non-stop spend-a-thon. Hold onto your financial reins, train your kids to respect you on this, and take every opportunity to explain why you spend money as you do. They will live by what you teach them."
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About the Author:Virginia Bentz is the proud mother of two grown children, Cindy, 26, and Dave, 22. She works as a bookseller for Borders, where she presents a weekly story time session for children. She also volunteers with children at the House of Healing. In her spare time, she does freelance writing and sings with a chorale. She has taught high school and college English and holds a Ph.D. from Case Western Reserve University. Quick Guide to Good Kids is her first book.
About the Book:
Quick Guide to Good Kids (Frederick Fell Publishers, Inc., 2007, ISBN-13: 978-0-88391-153-2, ISBN-10: 0-88391-153-1, $11.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.
For more information, visit
QuickGuideToGoodKids.com.
Candace is best known for her role as DJ Tanner on ABC's hit sitcom Full House. Over the years, Candace has been on a self-imposed hiatus in support of her husband, NHL hockey star Valeri Bure and their three beautiful children, ages 4, 6 & 8.
